You know it’s bad when you find your play list is just as angsty as when you were a teen… Listening to Fiona Apple and looking for songs not angry about men – screaming my lungs out somehow therapeutically. Another failed IVF another failed transfer… And then the topping in a giant shit cake I have just been presented with was that every single one of my embryos… Ones that I had frozen for over two years were found to be abnormal. That would explain my miscarriage in August… That would explain my failed transfer in November (although my kidney surgery probably affected that as well…). My daughter was truly a miracle… her existence can’t be explained… How did I have her? How was she “normal”? 1 out of 10. Will I ever have more? 9 failures. Will she have a sibling? Our backup plan is gone. My body racked with pain… The marks on my backside so fresh and itchy from the allergic reaction I suddenly was getting every time my husband injected me with that oil… And here I am lost not knowing what to do or what to say or how to explain to my coworkers why I was crying (sobbing) during that meeting on Monday afternoon.
I laid down with the baby and tried to clear my mind and breathe in all of her beauty… As she cuddles into me and watches one of her favorite bedtime songs on my phone… I say “night night, sweet baby”… And she repeats me “ni ni”. I laugh and say “I love you” and kiss her head… And for the first time after she said it back. It sounded more like “Li lu lu”…but I knew what she was trying to say.
My heart stopped… I was transported back in time to the moment he first told me that he loved me. I had said something… I don’t even know what I had said in conversation…we were sitting in his old bedroom, rolled within the covers. He interrupted me & asked “wait… Did you just say you love me?” I was shocked… We hadn’t said that yet. I definitely didn’t say that…and I definitely wasn’t going to be the first…although it was true. So I took a chance and I said yes… I did… And then he said “good, because I love you too”.
That must’ve been almost 8 years ago… And through all this pain…all this beauty… we’ve been together through…a roller coaster of life… some of the best best and the worst worsts… I’m so glad that he is mine. I’m so glad that my daughter is ours. Even though life slapped me in the face and kicked me in the stomach one more time…and the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet and I’m laying flat on my face… I will rise again because I have him. I have her. I’m blessed.
I guess we’ll need to get a new rug.
jesmogrego 